I have a real love/hate relationship with Disney’s theme parks. On the one hand, they can be a joy-filled extravaganza of fun, food, and frivolity. On the other hand, they’re expensive, uncomfortably hot, and crammed full of people who will carve up the face of your children so they can get an autograph from Captain Hook.
Literally. This actually happened when the corner of an autograph book clutched in the hands of an overly-excited forty-something Italian man scraped a big red welt across the face of my then five-year-old son as the guy pushed through the crowd of children surrounding Peter Pan’s digit-challenged arch nemesis at Disneyland Paris.
But, I digress.
The main reason we keep going back to Disney is because A) my daughter loves it, and B) it’s a ‘something for everyone’ trip.
You want to shoot the breeze with Winnie the Pooh while getting your photo taken? You can. You want to watch some live shows, or eat some wacky food, or drink some overpriced sugary cocktails? No problem.
You want to be strapped into a state-of-the-art ride system that will launch you backwards at high speed, fling you around in circles, and tip you upside down? You’re spoiled for choice.
For me, I’ll be honest, it’s mostly about the food and drink. There’s no way I’m queueing up for two hours to talk to Winnie the Pooh. Especially not now that he’s in the public domain, and I can legally make my own version of him to talk to at home.
And, when it comes to the rides, I’m a bit of a wuss.
I should stress, I’m not generally afraid of rollercoasters or that kind of thing, but I have been plagued by travel sickness my entire life. A bus journey over 5 miles will make me queasy. Over 10? Bring a mop and bucket.
I can drive hundreds of miles at a time without a problem, but put me in the passenger seat, and be prepared for your dashboard to be redecorated.
And yet, despite all this, with the intentions of ‘getting into the spirit of things’ I end up subjecting myself to all manner of rides. Here, then, in ascending order of vomit-inducting awfulness, are five Disneyworld rides that, one way or another, were almost the end of me.
5. DINOSAUR, Disney’s Animal Kingdom
There’s nothing particularly nerve-jangling about this ride that sees you board a ‘Time Rover’ and travel through a primordial jungle in search of dinosaurs. Or something. The story never struck me as massively important.
It basically feels like being on an all-terrain vehicle with 11 other people, bouncing and skidding over rough, uneven terrain at high speeds, with a few dips, some abrupt stops, and a bit of skidding thrown in for good measure.
However, as someone whose inner ear issues makes me want to vomit after thirty seconds on a child’s swing, all that stuff does me no favours whatsoever.
It’s not tooextreme, and I can at least doing a passing impression of someone enjoying themselves when I’m on it, so on the Vomitometer – a rating scale I’ve just this minute invented – I’ll give it 2 out of a possible 5 barfs.
4. Remy’s Ratatouille Adventure, Epcot and Disneyland Paris
The spinning. Dear God, the spinning. There are no sudden drops on this ride, in which you’re shrunk down to the size of a rat and launched (spinning) into a larger than life Parisian kitchen. There are no sharp bends, or tight turns to trouble the motion sickness challenged.
There’s just the spinning. So much spinning. All the spinning. Horrible, endless spinning.
Oh, and did I mention that, while spinning, you’re wearing 3D glasses and surrounded by towering screens filled with fast moving animation? Fast moving animation that very effectively simulates all the twists, turns and sudden drops that are physically absent from the ride? Did I warn you about that? No.
Well, I am now. This is you’re warning right here.
I find 3D motion effect pretty stomach-churning at the best of times, but after (and, indeed, during) all that relentless spinning, I find myself breaking out in sweats and frantically swallowing down saliva as I fight the urge to hurl into the whirling, twirling animated void.
I have done two versions of this ride, first at Disneyland Paris, and then at Epcot. Both were awful, and both comfortably earn themselves 3 out of a possible 5 barfs on the Vomitometer.
3. Star Tours, Disney’s Hollywood Studios and Disneyland Paris
This is another ride I’ve done two versions of – one in Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Orlando, and the other (pictured above) in Disneyland Paris.
Unlike the others, I’ve willingly done this one multiple times. Indeed, I’m often the instigator of going on this ride, because my excitement at going on a Star Wars ride makes me forget quite how awful it feels to stagger off the other side, wishing I was dead.
I expect it’s a bit like when women endure hours of painful childbirth, and then are willing to have children again the future. All that unpleasantness is forgotten, until they have to go through it all over again and remember what a terrible experience it was the first time around.
Or, when I get off any long haul flight, and immediately swear that I’m never setting foot on another plane again, only to start looking at holidays a month later.
Anyway, now that Hollywood Studios has really upped its game in terms of Star Wars rides, with Rise of the Resistanceand Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run(both of which make me queasy to varying degrees) I no longer feel the need to ride Star Tours.
Which is just as well. As I mentioned above, my stomach doesn’t do well with 3D glasses and screens. While Star Tours doesn’t spin, it does lurch violently, tip around, shudder, shake, stop suddenly, and simulate what it’s like making the jump to lightspeed while, it seems, the entire Galactic Empire is shooting at you.
Around ten seconds into the ride, regardless of which version of the video is playing (there are several ‘trips’ you can go on) I remember how much I hate the entire experience, and spend the rest of the time staring at a fixed point inside the ship, completely ignoring the screen, and praying to any gods that might be listening for the ordeal to be over.
As soon as the doors open, I frantically rush to get out, toss my 3D glasses into the collection bin in contempt, and go shuffling along the corridor on the long walk to freedom and fresh air.
I honestly don’t know whether this or the Ratatoullie ride makes me feel worse, so let’s give this one 3 out of 5on the Vomitometer, too.
Most of those rides above will only be an issue for people with moderate motion sickness issues. Everyone else should be fine. Now, though, it’s time to seperate the men/women from the boys/girls.
Now, things get serious.
2. Tron: Lightcyle / Run, Disney’s Magic Kingdom
I have been on this ride just once in my life. It will be the one and only time. If anything, it’s one time too many.
Based on the 1980s hit movie – and, presumably, the disappointing 2010 sequel – Tron: Lightcycle / Run (I don’t know why there’s that forward slash in the title either, sorry) is a side-by-side high-speed motorcycle chase through a nightmarish neon backdrop, and it’s a real motion sickness endurance test.
You don’t sit on the ride vehicle, but rather straddle it like you would a motorcycle, facing down, gripping the handlebars. Then, once you’re secured, you’re catapulted up to 59mph on a swooping track that takes you first outside, and then plunges you into a dark, neon hellscape, where you have no idea which direction you’re going to go next.
It’s supposed to feel like you’re in a video game, but I felt more like I was a vehicle on a Scalextric track, being flung around at eye-watering speeds, half-expecting to go flying off at the corners.
It was, at the time of completion, the fastest ride in all the Disney parks (tied with its sister ride at Shanghai Disneyland) and I can assure you that it feels it. The only reason I didn’t vomit all down myself is that I left my stomach behind at the start of the ride, and it only caught up an hour or so later while we were in the line for Jungle Cruise.
I can’t even tell you if the ride is that good, because I had my eyes shut for 90% of it.
And, for the other 10%, I was crying.
Tron: Lightcycle / Run, then, gets a quease-inducing 4 out of 5 on the Vomitometer.
1. Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind, Epcot
Here we are, then. My theme park nemesis. My white whale. The Guardians of the Galaxy ride at Epcot.
I have actually been on this ride twice. I rode it a second time because I couldn’t believe it could possibly be as bad as I remember it being the first time around. I assumed I must have been ill, and – by complete coincidence – had only started showing signs of the previously dormant virus the moment the thing catapulted me backwards at 60mph, accompanied by a pumping 80s rock soundtrack.
There was no way anyone would build a ride that bad on purpose, would they?
Because the ride was new, and incredibly popular, we had to book a timeslot to go on it. Unfortunately, bad planning on my part meant this time slot was immediately after I had just eaten a large BBQ meal from the Regal Eagle Smokehouse, and so I climbed aboard the ride vehicle with a sizeable amount of meat and Coca-Cola sloshing around my insides.
It turned out that no, I hadn’t been ill the first time on the ride, Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind is just an incredibly, ridiculously, obscenely nauseating ride.
From that 60mph backwards start – currently, the fastest speed reached by any coaster on Disney property – you bank into a series of tight, up-and-down turns, aboard a constantly spinning vehicle through the dark, while surrounded by screens that go whizzing past before you can figure out what the hell you’re supposed to be looking at.
Both times I’ve ridden it, I’ve felt within seconds that I was going to throw up. Both times I’ve had to actively stop myself from doing so by closing my eyes, clamping my mouth shut, and entering a trance-like state.
I’m convinced that, were the ride just ten seconds longer, I’d be done for. And, for that matter, so would anyone within a thirty foot radius.
It is the only Disney ride that I’m aware of that has sick bags ready at the exit.
Oh, and when you leave, there are a million stairs that lead up and down, so you can’t even stumble straight outside for fresh air.
It’s probably quite a fun ride, but I wouldn’t know, because my consciousness was detached from my physical body for most of it.
A well-deserved 5 out of 5 on the Vomitometer.
So, there you have it. Those are five of the Disney theme park rides guaranteed to make me feel ill for the next few hours/days/the rest of the holiday.
What rides have you been on, Disney or otherwise, that have taken their toll on you? Let us know in the comments below.
